Inner demands: when your own expectations never let you rest

A metaphor, not a personality test

I use inner demands as a metaphor for instructions that have become familiar in our thinking: Get it right. Be strong. Disappoint nobody. Try harder. These are examples to reflect on, not fixed personality types or diagnoses. This article is not a validated psychological test.

Each demand may serve a purpose. Care protects quality, persistence supports difficult work, consideration keeps relationships open. The interesting point is where a useful ability becomes a rule with no exceptions.

Do I choose this — or am I not allowed to do otherwise?

A fictional example: Two managers prepare equally carefully for a presentation. One wants to explain a demanding idea well and eventually decides that the work is sufficient for today. The other continues because any possible mistake seems to say something about their worth. The visible behaviour looks similar; the room for choice may be very different.

Self-determination theory distinguishes autonomous motivation from more controlled forms, including pressure experienced internally. High effort alone therefore tells us little about how freely it is experienced. [1]

High standards are different from self-devaluation

The question need not be how to get rid of your standards. Perhaps you want to keep them while being able to choose: This requires precision. This needs a first draft. Someone else may do this differently.

One useful distinction is between wanting to do something well and believing that not doing it well enough means not being good enough as a person. In the second version, a task also becomes a test of worth. We can explore that without treating ambition itself as a problem.

Hill and Curran’s meta-analysis distinguishes perfectionistic strivings from concerns. Concerns, including worries about mistakes and evaluation, were particularly associated with burnout symptoms. An association is not an individual diagnosis or prediction. [2]

Examine one rule in one situation

Choose a manageable situation rather than your whole personality. Write down the demand: I must reply immediately. Then ask who has explicitly requested this, what you fear if you do not, and what response you would accept from a colleague you respect.

You may find a real requirement, a feared judgment, or both. Distinguishing them is more useful than telling yourself it is all in your head.

A small experiment could be answering a non-urgent message at an agreed time rather than immediately. The aim is not to ignore responsibilities. It is to examine, in a low-risk situation, whether the internal rule really has to be so rigid.

Not another project in tolerating pressure

It would be contradictory to make this work another self-optimization task. You do not have to become relaxed particularly quickly. Wanting to do the reflection perfectly may itself be something worth noticing together.

A demanding workplace is not automatically the result of your own expectations. Unrealistic workloads, contradictory instructions and demeaning behaviour deserve attention as external conditions. Coaching is not there to teach you to tolerate all of that more pleasantly.

Understanding an internal rule may create a choice: using a standard when it helps rather than constantly obeying it. That is different from being less committed.